Affair To Repair

• The Evolution of an Affair: from escape to emotional involvement
• The Three Stages of an Affair (+ 1)
  • 1. Mood Alteration
  • 2. Secret Complicity
    • Lovers communicate daily
  • 3. Concealment
  • 4. Consummating the Infidelity
• From a form of escape to emotional involvement
• With Emotional Involvement, Lies Increase
• When Infidelity Becomes Love
• Typical Behaviors of Someone Who Falls in Love with Their Lover
• I Cheated on My Partner: What Do I Do?
• The Return to the Old World Is Traumatic.
• I've Had a Lover for 10 Years. What Should I Do?
• An Affair Can Become Unmanageable
• Book on Infidelity
• FAQ – Frequently Asked Questions about Extramarital Relationships
  • When does an extramarital relationship become serious?
  • What are the 3 phases of having a lover?
  • Why do people fall in love with their lover?
  • Why do some people maintain a lover for years?
  • What Should You Do if You Fall in Love with Your Lover?
  • How Can You Overcome the End of an Affair?

If you’re here, you’re probably searching for answers to questions you may have never wanted to ask yourself. How did I get to this point? Why has my lover become so important? And now what should I do?

Affairs aren’t just fleeting moments of passion. Often, they transform into deep and complex bonds, filled with conflicting emotions: excitement and fear, freedom and guilt, desire and confusion. Understanding what’s happening inside you is essential for making conscious decisions.

In this article we’ll explore:

• The phases of infidelity and how the bond with a lover evolves
• The emotional signals indicating that an affair has become significant
• The psychological foundations of infidelity and their impact on your mind and emotions
• Scientific research that helps explain the phenomenon
• How to handle your situation without being overwhelmed by emotional chaos

I’ll discuss all this based on my extensive experience as a psychologist specializing in infidelity and relationship therapy.

If you find yourself needing to manage a relationship with a lover, want to process a breakup, or wish to rebuild your primary relationship, contact me for a free consultation to discuss whether to work together.

The Evolution of an Affair: from escape to emotional involvement

All affairs begin differently, but they often follow similar patterns. What starts as a brief escape can evolve into something much deeper and more complex.

Initially, the relationship with a lover feels like a lifeline: finally, someone sees you, desires you, listens without judgment. But then, often without conscious awareness, the person you thought was just a diversion becomes an indispensable presence in your life.

Several key signals indicate when an affair is becoming more serious:

• You constantly think about your lover, even at the most unexpected moments
• The excitement of seeing them has transformed from a pleasure into a necessity
• Your conversations have become increasingly personal and intimate
• You frequently compare your lover to your primary partner
• You experience jealousy or fear of losing your lover
• You feel torn between two lives that seem increasingly incompatible

In essence: for those involved in affairs, their new relationship consumes significant emotional energy and often feels more vibrant than their established partnership.

According to Shirley Glass, psychologist and author of “Not Just Friends,” emotional infidelity can be more dangerous than physical infidelity because it creates a deep bond that makes returning to the primary relationship much more difficult.

The Three Stages of an Affair (+ 1)

According to Dave Carder, author of “Anatomy of an Affair,” there are three typical stages of an affair in every extramarital relationship. From my experience with many singles and couples dealing with infidelity, I tend to agree… kinda.

According to Carder, the three stages of an affair are:

1. Mood Alteration

When a committed person sees or receives a message from their future lover, they become cheerful. “When they write to me, I get excited. It almost feels like I’m a teenager again.” “Just reading their message puts me in a good mood.”

This signal should already alarm us. If we don’t intend to cheat, we should be careful not to go further and even consider cooling the relationship. Which is probably already heading toward being well beyond a normal friendship.

It all begins with a simple attraction. A more intense look, an ironic joke, a message that makes you smile more than it should.

In this phase, the brain is flooded with dopamine, the neurotransmitter linked to pleasure and reward (Fisher et al., 2016). It’s important to note that in the early stages of falling in love, the person begins to occupy our mind recurrently. And the characteristics of a true addiction are present:

• Euphoria
• Craving
• Tolerance
• Physical and emotional dependence
• Withdrawal syndrome and relapses

However, human relationships aren’t laboratory chemical reactions with predictable outcomes.

They evolve quickly and uncontrollably, and it’s not uncommon to fall in love with the lover.

If at this point we stopped to reflect, we might recognize that it’s not just chemistry, but also a desire to feel special and rediscover our vitality.

2. Secret Complicity

The relationship evolves from simple attraction to a deeper connection. You begin to share personal thoughts, concerns, dreams. You feel understood in a way that perhaps hasn’t happened for a long time in your official relationship.

Many times, a man or woman who cheats isn’t looking for it. Perhaps a friendship develops at work, where the first conversations are innocent and related to the work to be done. These conversations tend to move from a professional level to a personal one.

This is when you begin to talk about feelings, problems at home, your emotions. The ground is becoming increasingly slippery, and it’s important to stop before sliding even lower. It’s already very difficult, because the future lover has already become a trusted confidant. A “best friend,” who soon won’t be much of a “friend” anymore!

In short, the emotional bond strengthens. Neuroscientific studies (Acevedo et al., 2012) show that the brain activates the same areas involved in romantic attachment.

Lovers communicate daily

At this point, generally two lovers communicate daily. With one excuse or another, the relationship has already crossed a significant boundary. It’s no longer about occasional messages, but a constant presence that becomes an integral part of the routine.

Morning conversations to wish each other good day, exchanges during lunch breaks, evening messages before sleeping: this continuous communication creates an invisible but strong thread that connects the two lives.

When two lovers communicate every day, a strong emotional bond is created. We feel as if the whole world could never separate us.

The shared daily life, even at a distance, brings with it a significant emotional investment. The sudden absence of these contacts generates anxiety and a sense of emptiness, unmistakable signals that the future extramarital relationship can become serious.

At this point, the boundary between friendship and relationship has become thin, and thoughts of the lover begin to compete with those of the official partner.

3. Concealment

When you open up so much to a person, you realize that if your partner discovered it, problems could arise. On one hand, you tell yourself “it’s just a friendship,” but on the other, you understand that “they would think badly of it.” At this point, you must admit that you’re probably going too far.

According to some, this could already be defined as emotional infidelity. It’s a situation where, if you realize you don’t want to go further, it’s important to cut communication ties.

The lover (or future lover) has become an integral part of your emotional life. Their absence creates emptiness, their presence brings euphoria.

In this phase, some key changes occur:

• You begin to justify potential infidelity: the marriage or official relationship is perceived as “dull” or “already over.”
• There’s an increased desire to spend more time with the other person and anxiety when this isn’t possible.
• Guilt appears, but is often rationalized: “I’ve never felt anything like this, it must mean something.”

As I said, these are the three phases of the lover according to Carder. But I would add a fourth: the most important one.

4. Consummating the Infidelity

The tension has grown. There have been knowing glances, increasingly private conversations. You begin to feel that this person responds to needs that your partner no longer satisfies. They give you butterflies in your stomach, make you blush; when you’re with them, everything seems more beautiful, everything possible. Until something clicks, and you end up in bed.

“Even us, who might never have believed we’d be like other couples!”

Why is the fourth phase, that of consummating the infidelity, the most important in my opinion? It seems obvious, but an important reflection is that many people find themselves going through the first three phases without actually cheat.

In fact, reaching the third phase of concealment can be functional for some couples. It’s a way of satisfying fantasies of infidelity, which can reignite passion in a couple that may have become static.

If you don’t stop at the third phase but “cross over” to the fourth, sometimes the relationship can end. Every extramarital relationship reaches a critical point. Some decide to close it, returning to their previous life with a mixture of relief and melancholy, while others continue an interest, an ambiguity, in infidelity.

However, this transition is never simple: fears, doubts, and often a painful awareness of the consequences of each choice emerge.

Emotions become unmanageable, oscillating between the euphoria of forbidden love and the anguish of an uncertain future.

But often, the extramarital relationship becomes serious.

From a form of escape to emotional involvement

At the beginning, everything is beautiful. The new relationship is exciting. Especially for people who have a long marriage behind them, which has perhaps produced monotony, disaffection, a sense of apathy.

Did you know that even those who love, cheat? Read my article: Cheating Even When in Love: 7 Things to Know

This feeling of rebirth is greater with younger partners, and in my work, I haven’t noticed much difference between women and men.

The disaffection towards one’s marital life can accelerate for various reasons: work stress, children becoming adults and leaving the family nucleus, middle age with its rapid advancement, the loss of a loved one that reminds us of our mortality. In a sense, some events push us towards a “new adolescence,” a desire to rediscover a playful, light dimension free from those commitments that follow one after another day after day.

Monotony, commitment, and duty can easily be experienced as suffering to escape from. Sometimes, there seems to be no other way than to cheat on one’s partner.

When an extramarital relationship becomes serious, boredom and work commitments can be reasons that push towards infidelity.

Somehow, infidelity may seem like an escape from reality, but from the perspective of the cheater, it can be seen as a real “return to life.”

The new parallel relationship is therefore experienced as if it were a jug of fresh water after crossing the desert.

At the beginning, the story has adventurous connotations, of play, of opportunities that are seized as soon as they arise. A continuous hit-and-run that exalts, makes you feel good, makes you feel young.

Often the lover knows the cheater’s situation, so there’s not even a need to resort to lies.

Then something clicks.

The excitement of the moment often tends to make us ignore the consequences of our actions. And so the story begins to heavily involve everyday life.

With Emotional Involvement, Lies Increase

A relationship evolves and becomes more important as the emotional bond strengthens. This bond anticipates many things: taking responsibility, feeling involved in the other person’s affairs, supporting them, helping them.

The relationship enters a new phase, more serious, more similar to a relationship that could endanger the official one.

While at the beginning it’s experienced as an adventure, gradually things change.

Typically, extramarital relationships begin without specific commitments, without talking about one’s problems, without giving it too much importance. In other words, with extreme lightness: the same lightness that is so attractive in the eyes of someone who finds themselves in a relationship full of duties and poor in adventures.

But then, punctually, the extramarital relationship begins to become important, because feelings come into play. And the constant relationship between the new story and the old marriage takes on a different connotation, denser, able to powerfully invade our thoughts.

The consequence of this phase is that lies towards the wife or husband must increase. Managing the relationship becomes much more complicated.

But how do you know if the extramarital relationship is becoming serious?

When Infidelity Becomes Love

The transition from infidelity to love represents perhaps the most frightening and, at the same time, most exciting transformation. Initially, we tell ourselves that it’s just physical attraction, an escape from monotony, a game without consequences.

Then, gradually, feelings emerge with a force that surprises: the lover is no longer just an object of desire but becomes a subject of love. The signals are unmistakable: we worry about their well-being, we desire their happiness even beyond our own pleasure, we imagine a future together despite the obvious obstacles.

It’s in this phase that the inner conflict reaches its peak: on one side the stability of the official relationship, on the other the intensity of new feelings. As psychological research highlights, the peculiar characteristic of this love born from infidelity is its amplified intensity: the clandestinity, the obstacle represented by the existing relationship, and the sense of the forbidden create an emotional context in which feelings are experienced with a depth often greater than in a conventional relationship.

Typical Behaviors of Someone Who Falls in Love with Their Lover

Wanting to identify signs or symptoms of falling in love in an extramarital affair, what would they be?

Given that each story is different, I want to tell you what my clients most frequently tell me. Not because you should somehow verify, based on a sterile list, whether you have feelings or not (my patients know well that this is a dangerous trap), but because understanding how many people experience your situation can help you understand that what you feel is neither wrong nor strange.

So let’s see what these behaviors are that you might be putting into practice as well.

1. You constantly think about your lover as in a state of limerence. You fantasize, mentally organize meetings, anticipate exciting situations, worry about something that concerns them and that belongs to their life.
2. Meetings increase outside the time slot used to be together.
3. You constantly compare the two situations: time spent with lover versus life spent with spouse.
4. You want to hear their voice several times during the day, you look for opportunities to hear them on the phone, you write surprise messages, you await their response with trepidation, you seek them at night or at unusual hours.
5. You begin to share many details of your intimate and personal life, perspectives on the future, past mistakes.
6. You have the feeling that your lover understands you and comprehends your state of mind. The lover becomes the first person you tell certain things that happen to you or worry you.
7. Excuses for not spending time with your current partner increase, you have no interest in what they do, you don’t pay attention to what they tell you.
8. You feel better and happier when you’re with your lover, you have the feeling that even a five-minute call has more value than the hours spent at home.
9. You have difficulty concentrating, but often base your days on waiting to be able to hear or see them, being able to work more serenely knowing that your lover is waiting for you.
10. You begin to sabotage future plans such as vacations, expenses, decisions regarding family life that require your consent or involvement.
11. You’re interested in what your lover does on social media, you feel you would like to be part of their world, you feel a sense of pride if you see that they are an appreciated person. You try not to stand out but at the same time make your presence felt.
12. On your smartphone, you begin to make space for their (or your) photos, and manage it all with more attention.
13. You don’t care much if they’re in the same marital situation, because for you it’s much more important that they’re with you. You don’t see it as infidelity, but as an evolution of both of you.
14. You begin to plan a future together.

If we analyze these situations well, you’ll notice two things:

• They are typical of falling in love at any age and condition.
• They require, to manage the phase of betrayal of a pre-existing relationship, an exponential increase in lies.

I Cheated on My Partner: What Do I Do?

First of all, I know that your state of mind, if you’ve ended up reading this article, can’t be the most serene. Perhaps you’re literally in panic. So don’t worry: breathe and let’s take stock of the situation.

Often people “slip” into infidelity. Certainly not like on the proverbial banana peel, but in the sense that we find ourselves doing things we didn’t expect to do. And we find ourselves asking: how should I behave after infidelity?

Ask yourself: are you in a situation like the one described in the video (old but still relevant) below?

Many people realize they want to give another chance to the official relationship but don’t know how. (If you’re in doubt, you can read the article: How to Choose Between Wife (or Husband) and Lover: The Definitive Guide). Other times, people cheat and don’t leave, staying with two feet in one shoe. You can explore this topic by reading the article: Why Do People Cheat and Not Leave?

There are several reasons why people return to ordinary life: being discovered, repentance, fear of losing one’s family, being left by the lover…

Indeed, abandoning the marital bed, leaving a wife or husband after years and promises both private and public, always poses problems. These range from managing children to economic complications, from health reasons to fear of reactions in the family or repercussions at work.

In most cases, the relationship with the lover becomes impractical, unmanageable, especially when the threshold of falling in love is exceeded and there are too many lies to tell and manage.

Fear of being discovered increases, of not knowing how to manage the parallel story, practical problems arise that cause others in a chain in everyday life.

Whatever the motivation for the return, separation from the lover is necessary. And this is very painful.

The Return to the Old World Is Traumatic.

The “cheater” experiences it as a bereavement, they can’t stop thinking about the lover, about the fact that with him or her they felt good and now, instead, they have returned to the world of before. Dark, boring, full of duties.

Sometimes, real obsessive doubts set in: intrusive questions that make us experience incredible suffering:

“How do I know I made the right choice?” “How can I know that I wouldn’t be happier with my lover?” “…And what if I’m letting the last chance to be happy slip away?”

These questions are normal, and if they generate a lot of suffering, perhaps it would be appropriate to seek help from a professional. Often it is the psychologist who becomes the only confidant in a situation where a lover has to get used to monogamous life again, try to mentally re-enter the marriage, attempt (if they haven’t been discovered) alone – without telling their partner – to take steps in the direction of normality.

So they find themselves in a situation where they need to rebuild a relationship of trust, emotional involvement, taking a virtuous path that helps them also not to cheat again.

Because if, in the end, the outcome of this story brings only more pain, in addition to the initial disaffection, it’s clear that the game is not zero-sum and re-entering the marital relationship is complicated.

Let’s not forget the importance of being careful to manage the situation the best for the children. I’ve written an article specifically on what to do when children discover infidelity.

I’ve Had a Lover for 10 Years. What Should I Do?

As a therapist, I’ve worked with clients who maintained long-term affairs lasting 10, 15, even 30 years. This might seem surprising, but such situations are much more common than most people realize.

If you find yourself in this position, you likely have established a complete double life: your primary relationship on one side and your affair on the other. After maintaining a relationship with a lover for such an extended period, you’ve almost certainly developed deep emotional bonds that go far beyond physical attraction or adventure.

If you’ve had an affair partner for a decade or longer, finding balance is still possible. Don’t despair!

In many cases, the long-term affair actually functions as a stabilizing element for the primary relationship. People who maintain affairs over many years have often unconsciously separated relationship functions between their partners. The primary relationship provides security and stability, while the affair supplies adventure, passion, and emotional fulfillment that may be lacking in a relationship that has grown predictable over time.

An Affair Can Become Unmanageable

Eventually, however, unexpected complications often arise. Perhaps your affair was discovered, or one partner decided to end the relationship for various reasons. If you’re dealing with the conclusion of a long-term affair, I recommend reading my article “How to Overcome the End of an Affair.” If you’re contemplating whether to end one of your relationships, seeking support from a psychologist who specializes in infidelity can be invaluable.

Even after maintaining an affair for a decade or more, it’s entirely possible to find serenity and balance again. This journey of healing can be undertaken independently, without involving your primary partner, as you gradually rebuild your life. Regardless of which direction you choose to move forward.

If you’ve been unfaithful to your partner, try to remain calm and consider consulting a psychologist who can help you rebuild trust and intimacy in your relationship.

If you’re experiencing any of these situations, you can schedule a free, no-obligation consultation through my website.

Book on Infidelity

Did you know that together with Marco Giacobbi I wrote a book on infidelity? It’s called “Psychology of Infidelity: Understanding It, Preventing It, Overcoming It.” It talks about the motivations for which people cheat, how to avoid infidelity in your couple and, if infidelity has already occurred, how to behave in practice. There are in fact practical exercises that we also assign to our patients in our practice. In fact, many colleagues found it interesting precisely for this reason!

You can download the first 60 pages of “Psychology of Infidelity” for free.

FAQ – Frequently Asked Questions about Extramarital Relationships

When does an extramarital relationship become serious?

An extramarital relationship becomes serious when emotional involvement exceeds the physical. Some key signals include constantly thinking about the lover, feeling a void in their absence, sharing intimate and personal details, and making future plans together. If these elements are present, the bond is probably deeper than was thought at the beginning.

What are the 3 phases of having a lover?

According to Dave Carder (Anatomy of an Affair), the typical phases of an extramarital relationship are mood alteration, shifting the communication plane, concealment and, finally, (personal addition) consummating the infidelity. These steps mark the evolution from a simple attraction to a real emotional bond that often leads to complex consequences.

Why do people fall in love with their lover?

Extramarital relationships create an ideal emotional environment for falling in love: the lack of daily responsibilities, the excitement of novelty, and the role of the lover as a solution to marital problems, contribute to the consolidation of the bond. Studies (Fisher et al., 2016) show that romantic love activates brain circuits similar to addiction, making it difficult to stop an extramarital relationship.

Why do some people maintain a lover for years?

A lover can represent a balance between stability and passion. Some maintain a parallel relationship to avoid a clear choice between marriage and clandestine love. Others see the lover as an emotional refuge that allows them to endure the official relationship.

What Should You Do if You Fall in Love with Your Lover?

If your affair partner has become more than just a temporary escape, it’s crucial to distinguish between genuine emotional connection and feelings amplified by the forbidden nature of your relationship. Take time to evaluate whether your primary relationship still has potential for growth or renewal. Avoid making life-altering decisions based solely on immediate emotions or passion. Working with a relationship therapist can provide valuable perspective and help you make more conscious, thoughtful choices about your future.

How Can You Overcome the End of an Affair?

Research shows that ending an affair can trigger emotional pain comparable to divorce (Glass & Wright, 1992). To heal effectively, consider these evidence-based approaches: establish clear boundaries by cutting contact completely, resist the tendency to idealize the relationship in retrospect, focus on personal growth and self-understanding, and process your grief with professional support. Many clients find that therapy provides a safe space to work through complex emotions without judgment.